


Preliminary Matters

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fantasy Football, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-06 21:23:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1872975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stannis Baratheon is the new Fantasy Football League Commissioner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Voting Time.  Monday, Part 1.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are having trouble with the IDs, see the TO section of Stannis's email. They are all named there. Any other IDs I will try to make sure it's explained. I may end up linking my spreadsheet.
> 
> There will also be fantasy football term explanations and I'll see if I if I can find a primer.

To: Fantasy Football League Owners, Team Baratheon [Davos Seaworth (FingerfewerHand@dragonstone.gov)], Team Lannister [Jaime Lannister (Kingslayer@kingslanding.gov),Tyrion Lannister (URallAssholes@kingslanding.gov)], Team Baratheon/Tyrell [Renly Baratheon (BeardedStag@kingslanding.gov), Loras Tyrell (UKnowUWantMe@highgarden.gov)], Team Stark [Ned Stark (WardenWolf@thenorth.gov), Robb Stark (YoungWolf@thenorth.gov)], Team Night’s Watch [Jon Snow (IKnowALittleSomething@nightswatch.gov), Samwell Tarly (iluvgilly@nightswatch.gov)], Team Dorne [Oberyn Martell (SexViper@dorne.gov), Doran Martell (LimpingLord@watergardens.org)], Team Greyjoy [Balon Greyjoy (SharkKing@IronIslands.gov), Theon Greyjoy (SharkReek@thenorth.gov)], Team Targaryen [Viserys Targaryen (TheLastDragon@essos.gov), Jorah Mormont (KellyCsBear@essos.gov)], Team Unknown [Jaqen H’ghar (unknown@unknown.com), Unknown (unknowns@unknown.com)], Team Frey [Walder Frey (FertileNonagenarian@thetwins.org)], Team Bolton [Roose Bolton (FlayMaster@dreadfort.gov), Ramsay Bolton (LegitimizeThisBitches@dreadfort.gov)]

From: Commissioner Stannis Baratheon, Team Baratheon (CommissionerByRight@dragonstone.gov)

Date: June 30, 2014

RE: League Membership Issues

Fellow Fantasy Football Team Owners,

There are several items on the agenda we need to address to ensure a smooth transition into the next season. As you know, my brother and former commissioner, Robert Baratheon, has left the League for personal reasons. By right of succession, I am your new commissioner.

There have been some ownership changes. Please welcome Jaqen H'ghar to the League. I don’t think any of us have met him, or would know if we had, but he’s taking over Robert Baratheon’s spot. His co-owner will remain nameless.

Ramsay Snow nka Ramsay Bolton has been promoted from secondary owner to co-owner of Team Bolton. Congratulations to Ramsay. As co-owner, he will have the right to set lineups and make trades without approval of the primary owner. Theon Greyjoy and Jorah Mormont remain secondary owners.

After the unfortunate incident between the co-owners of Team Clegane, we have one additional opening for a team. It has been proposed that a team be awarded to Brienne Tarth. She participated in three leagues last year, winning two and coming in second in the third. She does have the funds necessary for a buy-in. Please submit your Yay or Nay vote on adding Brienne Tarth to the League. If you vote Nay, you must suggest a new candidate for approval. We currently have an odd number of participants, so the vote will be by simple majority.

Keep in mind that Walder Frey, as our longest running team owner, is requesting additional voting power, as he does every year. We need to consider his request once we have approved a new team owner.

There are many additional preliminary matters to discuss, but nothing can be done until we have our twelfth “man,” as it were.

Please submit your votes by midnight, July 6th, 2014.

Also, please begin thinking about your team names. All team names have been reset from last year. Buy-in payments are due August 1, 2014.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner


	2. Blood Pressure.  Monday, Part 2.

FingerfewerHand: RU sure u want to commish?  
CommissionerByRight: You know how I feel about chatspeak, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Sorry. Are you sure you want to be commissioner this year?  
CommissionerByRight: I never wanted this, but the rules of succession are clear. I am destined to be commissioner.  
FingerfewerHand: I just worry about your blood pressure.  
CommissionerByRight: My blood pressure is just fine.  
FingerfewerHand: Okay, okay. How are you voting on the Tarth woman?  
CommissionerByRight: She is friends with Renly, which is an issue. However, her work in the secondary leagues has been outstanding. Our rules say when there is an opening and no legacy member to fill it, the best owner in the secondary leagues is first for consideration.  
FingerfewerHand: How did Jaqen H’ghar get in?  
CommissionerByRight: I’m really not sure. He just appeared as an owner one day. I thought Robert added him.  
FingerfewerHand: No, Robert left the league in a drunken stupor.  
CommissionerByRight: My brother is a useless idiot and was a terrible commissioner.  
FingerfewerHand: So Jaqen?  
CommissionerByRight: I checked his validation. He was properly validated. Those validations make him a part of the League.  
FingerfewerHand: If his validations are correct…  
CommissionerByRight: Right. Well. They are. I’ll not have a controversy my first week. Is someone challenging his ownership?  
FingerfewerHand: Not that I know of.

 

[Unknown has joined the conversation.]

Unknown: A man owns a team.  
CommissionerByRight: H’ghar, how did you buy your team and get validated?  
Unknown: A man has his ways. Does a commissioner protest?  
CommissionerByRight: No formal protest has been lodged.  
Unknown: A man runs a team.  
FingerfewerHand: Hey Jaqen, do you have an opinion on the Tarth woman?  
Unknown: A man with no fingers is still a man with a hand.  
Unknown: If a team can be owned, a girl can be owner.  
CommissionerByRight: You’ll need to submit your formal vote to me by email or on the League Message board no later than midnight, July 6, 2014. So will your co-owner.  
Unknown: A man understands.

[Unknown has left the conversation.]

 

FingerfewerHand: That was weird.  
CommissionerByRight: I can handle weird as long as he obeys the rules. Should I have all the team owners be required to read and approve the rules before activating their teams?  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis, this League has been in existence for decades. I think everyone knows the rules.  
CommissionerByRight: Perhaps they need a refresher?  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis. Your blood pressure.  
CommissionerByRight: Fine. Fine. But Robert let The League of Kings name expire. Once we add a member, we need to vote on a new league name.  
FingerfewerHand: And when does Jaime have to relinquish the Iron Throne Trophy?  
CommissionerByRight: Jaime never actually took the Iron Throne Trophy. He wins but doesn’t want the power. He’s impossible. His antics will not be tolerated.  
FingerfewerHand: BLOOD PRESSURE.


	3. How Should We Vote? Monday, Part 3.

-  
Kingslayer: a WOMAN? has stan lst his mind?  
URallAssholes: its a grt idea, loras cn take an asswhupping frm a chick  
Kingslayer: evs, bro, wht if shes all girly like Walda? rmbr when she mde colors 4 roose’s team? all pepto-pink?  
URallAssholes: i met brienne, shes not gurly, u met her 2  
Kingslayer: when? where?  
URallAssholes: vry fuckin tall, blonde @ the sprtsbar  
Kingslayer: 1 i thgt was a dude? but had the legs and eyes?  
URallAssholes: evry1 has legs & eyes, but yeah  
Kingslayer: i dunno, a chick  
URallAssholes: afraid of a girl?  
Kingslayer: FUCK THAT, i can beat a wench w my best plyrs on the bench  
URallAssholes: I no u like to think r wins r all u, but im co-owner  
Kingslayer: u do research, but my instinct sets lineups  
URallAssholes: u r freakishly intuitive  
Kingslayer: im gonna talk to the wench  
URallAssholes: abt what?  
Kingslayer: r league is above her, she should stay in the 2ndary  
URallAssholes: whatevs J  
Kingslayer: whats her id?  
URallAssholes: WarriorMaiden  
Kingslayer: im gonna msg her  
URallAssholes: dnt be a dick  
Kingslayer: im nvr a dick

\--

LimpingLord: Stannis is commissioner? He exhausts me  
SexViper: Just relax, brother. I will do the work this year. Shall we allow in the woman?  
LimpingLord: Vote for me. I just don’t care. Why do we do this every year anyway?  
SexViper: To destroy the Lannisters, one by one.  
LimpingLord: But didn’t Jaime win last year? Again?  
SexViper: He may be two year league champion, but I was able to eliminate the Clegane bastard.  
LimpingLord: What was that all about?  
SexViper: The brothers argued over who to start at running back in the playoffs. When they lost, they had a fight. The Mountain is serving six months in KL jail for assault with a torch. The Hound is still in the hospital. They have been permanently banned from the League.  
LimpingLord: You have partially avenged our family, brother. What do you think of this woman?  
SexViper: I like all women, brother. I say she’s in.

\--

YoungWolf: Brienne, in or out?  
WardenWolf: In or else ur mthr will kill me

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: I lke brienne  
iluvgilly: will she be ok w the cursing? things get rough, i worry she might get offended  
IKnowALittleSomething: shes not gilly  
iluvgilly: shd i ask gilly out?  
IKnowALittleSomething: for the luv of the 7, sam, yes, ask gilly out  
iluvgilly: will u and ygritte double date w us  
IKnowALittleSomething: *sigh* yes

\--

FlayMaster: This Tarth woman must be forbidden from the League. We shall vote no and submit Tywin Lannister for league ownership.  
FertileNonagenarian: Good plan.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: Yes, Father.

\--

KellyCsBear: Shall we vote No and submit Khal Drogo for team membership?  
TheLastDragon: Drogo? Why would we want Drogo in the League?  
KellyCsBear: He has won the Essos League for five straight years. His team, The Horse Lords, is always the best fantasy football team in the east.  
TheLastDragon: If he is so good, he should advise me.  
KellyCsBear: Khal Drogo has always run his own team.  
TheLastDragon: I am the heir to this team and only the Westoros Leagues matter. Essos is NOTHING. Khal Drogo should advise with my team so we can defeat the Kingslayer and I can take my place rightfully on the Iron Throne of Fantasy Football. I AM the Last Dragon.  
KellyCsBears: So we vote yes on the Tarth woman?  
TheLastDragon: Women know nothing about fantasy football. Playing her will be like an extra bye week. Let me think on it.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: Who died & made Stannis commissioner? U should be commissioner. Evry1 likes u more. I like u more.  
BeardedStag: There is apparently some stupid RULE that makes him commissioner. I need to get with the other League members to plan a coup, but it will take time.  
UKnowUWantMe: Stannis is dull, u shd b mor ruthless.  
BeardedStag: he will get his due one day  
UKnowUWantMe: Wht bout this Brienne creature? She scares me  
BeardedStag: Brie is all right. I’m sure she’ll be on my side when we overthrow Stannis. She is loyal to me.  
UKnowUWantMe: Gross. Do u wnt to fuck her?  
BeardedStag: GODS NO.  
UKnowUWantMe: She moons aftr u, like a cow, u like it  
BeardedStag: I like her as a friend. Doesn’t meant I want to touch her.  
UKnowUWantMe: U wnt 2 touch me?  
BeardedStag: yes…  
UKnowUWantMe: What ru wearing?  
BeardedStag: Let me close my office door.

\--

Kingslayer: hihi  
WarriorMaiden: Do I know you?  
Kingslayer: Jaime Lannister, we met @ sprtsbar  
WarriorMaiden: I'm sorry. I don't remember you.  
Kingslayer: Blsht, u thgt i was hot, u want to join my ff league  
WarriorMaiden: You mean Renly Baratheon's league?  
Kingslayer: I am 2x champ  
WarriorMaiden: Congratulations on your past glory.  
Kingslayer: we r out of ur league  
WarriorMaiden: Men like that have been saying that for years. Until I beat their asses.  
Kingslayer: b nice 2 me. ur not in yet  
WarriorMaiden: Are you afraid to go up against me?  
Kingslayer: ru looking 4 a man to beat you? waiting 4 one good enough? im good enough. lets to go dinner  
WarriorMaiden: Not interested.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]


	4. Outside Help and a Submission.  Tuesday, Part 1.

SharkKing: Theon you failed to contact me about this FF League change.  
SharkReek: I was waiting 4 u to contact me.  
SharkKing: You’ll never get anywhere by waiting around, idiot.  
SharkReek: Sorry, Father.  
SharkKing: I should make Yara my co-owner.  
SharkReek: But I’m only SECONDARY OWNER.  
SharkKing: Because you are an idiot. What do you know of the Tarth girl?  
SharkReek: Ned Stark likes her.  
SharkKing: If I want the opinion of NED STARK I will ask him. Have you had sex with this girl?  
SharkReek: By the 7, NO.  
SharkKing: Have you been too busy fucking whores to check your email.  
SharkReek: … yes.  
SharkKing: I’m going to ask Yara her opinion.

\--

SharkKing: Do you know Brienne Tarth?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Heard of her. Some fantasy football badass.  
SharkKing: She wants to join my league.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Y U asking me? Ask Theon.  
SharkKing: Theon is an idiot. I want your opinion.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Then let her in. It will be easier 2 replace Theon with me next season if there is already a woman in the League.  
SharkKing: You are much smarter than him.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I know.

\--

CommissionerByRight: Gods, Davos. I accidentally named Team Martell, Team Dorne. My team naming is inconsistent.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis, I’m sure no one noticed. It’s a minor detail.  
CommissionerByRight: Consistency isn’t a minor issue.  
FingerfewerHand: They will all change their team names before anyone notices. Stop grinding your teeth.  
CommissionerByRight: How did you know I was grinding my teeth?  
FingerfewerHand: I’ll stroke your jaw when I get home.

\--

Kingslayer: I asked her out, she said no  
URallAssholes: who?  
Kingslayer: the ff wench  
URallAssholes: Brienne?  
Kingslayer: ys  
URallAssholes: she said no?  
Kingslayer: ys  
URallAssholes: hahahhahaha, the great jaime lannister got turned down  
Kingslayer: FU

\--

Needler: RU voting yes 4 Brienne?  
Unknown: A girl asked a favor. A girl gets a vote.  
Needler: Good. And ur co-owner?  
Unknown: A man asked a favor for a girl. Now a girl gets two votes. A man gets a favor in return.  
Needler: Fine. I owe U.  
Unknown: A man will remember.  
[iluvgilly joined the conversation.]  
iluvgilly: hey Arya, should i ask gilly out?  
Unknown: A man wants a date, a man should ask a girl.  
iluvgilly: sorry jaqen, didn’t c u there  
Needler: Sam, I’m 13. Don’t ask me about dating.  
iluvgilly: sorry

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon (CommissionerByRight@dragonstone.gov)  
FROM: Roose Bolton (FlayMaster@dreadfort.gov)  
CC: Ramsay Bolton (LegitimizeThisBitches@dreadfort.gov), Walder Frey (FertileNonagenarian@thetwins.org), Tywin Lannister (BAMFLannister@casterlyrock.gov)  
RE: New Team Owners  
DATE: July 1, 2014

Dear Commissioner Stannis,

Walder, Ramsay and I were discussing the vacant ownership slot and the three of us wish to present Tywin Lannister as an alternative candidate to Brienne Tarth. Tywin is a great man and was a great team owner. It’s unfortunate that he had to step down after the incident with the Targaryens, but it’s time he was back in the League.

Sincerely,  
Roose Bolton  
Team Bolton


	5. The Retired Champ.  Tuesday, Part 2.

TO: Tywin Lannister (BAMFLannister@casterlyrock.gov)  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon (CommissionerByRight@dragonstone.gov)  
RE: Fantasy Football Team Ownership  
DATE: July 1, 2014

Tywin,

You have been submitted for consideration for team ownership in the League. Before presenting your name, I must ask, pursuant to Rule 17 "Ownership" Subsection A(14) "Presentation of Owners for Consideration," if you are interested? Please respond at your earliest convenience, but prior to July 3, 2014.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

TO: Stannis Baratheon (CommissionerByRight@dragonstone.gov)  
FROM: Tywin Lannister (BAMFLannister@casterlyrock.gov)  
RE: RE: Fantasy Football Team Ownership  
DATE: July 1, 2014

No.

Tywin Lannister  
Fantasy Football Champion 1984-1988, 1991-1993, 1997-1999, Retired 2000

\--

TO: Roose Bolton (FlayMaster@dreadfort.gov), Walder Frey (FertileNonagenarian@thetwins.org), Ramsay Bolton (LegitimizeThisBitches@dreadfort.gov)  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon, (CommissionerByRight@dragonstone.gov)  
RE: RE: New Team Owners  
DATE: July 1, 2014

Dear Roose, Walder and Ramsay,

Tywin Lannister has declined the invitation.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Co-Owner Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

FlayMaster: Tywin, why did you not take the opportunity to rejoin the league?  
BAMFLannister: I have passed the mantle to my son. Jaime does a fine job upholding the Lannister tradition of fantasy football supremacy.  
FlayMaster: Tyrion is co-owner.  
BAMFLannister: Jaime lets him co-own out of pity. He is ridiculous about his brother.  
FlayMaster: Ramsay has improved.  
BAMFLannister: So I’ve heard.

[FertileNonagenarian has joined the conversation.]

BAMFLannister: Sons are important.  
FertileNonagenarian: Daughters R a nuisance. NE1 want 2 marry one of mine?

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

\--


	6. The Jaime Lannister Dating Service.  Tuesday, Part 3.

Kingslayer: lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: What about it?  
Kingslayer: w me?  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: 2 discuss ur ff ownership, u can buy my vote  
WarriorMaiden: You are one of the richest men in Westeros.  
Kingslayer: buy it w kiss  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* Whatever.  
Kingslayer: u want 2 kiss me, this gives u reason  
WarriorMaiden: It might surprise you to know not every woman falls for your pretty face.  
Kingslayer: but u have  
WarriorMaiden: Keep dreaming.  
Kingslayer: I dreamt of u last night

[iluvgilly joined the conversation]

WarriorMaiden: Whatever. Sam, YES you should ask out gilly.  
Kingslayer: nekkid

[WarriorMaiden left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: whos gilly?  
iluvgilly: she’s my gurl  
Kingslayer: but u havnt asked her out  
iluvgilly: not yet  
iluvgilly: ←---shy  
Kingslayer: if u get brienne 2 go out w me, ill get u a date w gilly  
iluvgilly: how?  
Kingslayer: im Jaime Fucking Lannister i make things happen!  
iluvgilly: k. ill try

\--

Kingslayer: bro, do u know gilly?  
URallAssholes: girl sam wants 2 date  
Kingslayer: yes  
URallAssholes: no, y  
Kingslayer: i need 2 get her 2 date sam  
URallAssholes: y?  
Kingslayer: because  
URallAssholes: is this about brienne?  
Kingslayer: SHUT UP  
URallAssholes: gilly’s id is samissosweet  
Kingslayer: thx  
URallAssholes: want me 2 talk to brienne 4 u?  
Kingslayer: NO!  
Kingslayer: yes

\--

Kingslayer: hey gilly  
samissosweet: hello?  
Kingslayer: im a friend of sam’s, he wants to ask u out  
samissosweet: REALLY?  
Kingslayer: yes, will u go  
samissosweet: YESYESYESYESYES  
Kingslayer: ill tell him


	7. The Plan.  Tuesday, Part 4.

RedHeadedMother: Walda, did you talk to Roose about Brienne?  
PinkISPretty: He told me he already decided not 2 vote 4 her.

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]  
[Needler has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Did you withhold sex? I threatened to withhold sex from Ned.  
Needler: OMG MOM. DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX WITH DAD  
RedHeadedMother: Sorry Arya. I didn’t know you’d joined.  
PinkISPretty: Catelyn, I can’t withhold sex from my Roosie. You’re just going 2 have 2 get Brienne in wo me.  
RedHeadedMother: Remember how they mocked your team colors, Walda? REMEMBER?  
PinkISPretty: Roose loved them. I think. He didn't hate them.  
KissedByFire: Jon knows nothing, but he’s going to vote for Brienne.

[BeenThereDoneThatQueen has joined the conversation]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: So we have Jon, Sam, Ned, and Robb voting for Brienne. Olenna, where are you?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Renly will vote for her. Loras is on the fence.  
LadyRose: If I let Loras use my new face cream, he’ll vote for her, but whine about it.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He’s a whiny little bitch.  
RedHeadedMother: Olenna, language, Arya is here.  
Needler: Whatevs, Mom. Not like Dad doesn’t curse when he’s watching football.

[PerfectPrincess joined the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Your father spending every Sunday during the season watching football, drinking beer and cursing is why we have to get Brienne into the League.

[MrsYoungWolf joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Brienne is the first step in breaking the League.  
MrsYoungWolf: I worry that Robb will be mad if he finds out what we are doing.  
PerfectPrincess: Robb could never be made at you, Jeyne. He loves you.  
Needler: *rolls eyes* Shut up, Sansa. Robb is a beer swilling asshole on Sundays.  
RedHeadedMother: ARYA. Do not curse.  
Needler: Typing it isn’t the same as saying it. ‘Sides, my friend Jaqen got in the league and he and his owners are pro-Brienne.

[SexontheSand has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Vote count, Ned, Robb, Jon, Sam, Loras, Jaqen, his co-owners.  
SexontheSand: You can count in Oberyn and Doran.  
RedHeadedMother: Good job, Ellaria.  
PinkISPretty: Did you withhold sex to convince him?  
SexontheSand: Why would I ever withhold sex? Sex with Oberyn is amazing. He does this thing with his hand, we should discuss Walda. You can teach it to Roose.  
KissedByFire: Jon does this thing with his tongue.  
Needler: GROSS BARF VOMIT SPEW

[Needler has left the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Dad and Theon will vote Brienne in.  
RedHeadedMother: That’s eleven yes votes with Loras as a maybe?  
LadyRose: I’ll get him to do it.  
RedHeadedMother: That should be enough. We will break this League!  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You can be such an evil bitch when you want to, Catelyn. I like it.  
RedHeadedMother: Two decades of beer farts in my couch is two decades too many.  
PerfectPrincess: Dad is gross. Sandor isn’t like that. I saw him in the hospital today.  
RedHeadedMother: Sansa, didn’t I discuss that with you?

[PerfectPrincess left the conversation.]

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Leave her alone, Catelyn. Young girls should have crushes on inappropriate men. I once had sex with Aemon Targaryen. They called him a Dragon for a reason.

[LadyRose has left the conversation.]  
[PinkISPretty has left the conversation.]  
[MrsYoungWolf has left the conversation.]  
[KissedByFire has left the conversation.]

SexontheSand: Do tell, Olenna.


	8. Hey Brienne, You Should Date Jaime.  Tuesday, Part 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roster Churn - Fantasy Football Leagues will place a player on the waiver wire after that player is dropped. Being on waivers means that player cannot be picked up for a specified period of time, from 24 hours to 6 days usually. A Roster Churn is when you successively add/drop players, such as every single available Defense, so that none of your opponents can pick up a new Defense for that week’s matchup because all of those Defenses will remain unavailable on the waiver wire. Roster churning is BULLSHIT, but for the purposes of this League, has not yet been forbidden.

LadyRose: Hey bro  
UKnowUWantMe: hey sis, sup?  
LadyRose: Want to use my new skin cream?  
UKnowUWantMe: What’s it going to cost me?  
LadyRose: A FF vote.  
UKnowUWantMe: 4?  
LadyRose: To let Brienne in.  
UKnowUWantMe: Y do u care?  
LadyRose: She’s my friend.  
UKnowUWantMe: u have bad taste in friends  
LadyRose: Skin cream for a vote.  
UKnowUWantMe: Fine. Deal.  
LadyRose: Sweet.  
UKnowUWantMe: I was going 2 vote 4 her neway. ren convinced me. w his mouth  
LadyRose: I do NOT need details.

\--

URallAssholes: my bro is an asshole  
WarriorMaiden: Who are you?  
URallAssholes: Tyrion Lannister.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. Your brother is an asshole.  
URallAssholes: but he’s a good asshole  
WarriorMaiden: Aerys Targaryen might disagree.  
URallAssholes: AT was a maniac who liked 2 roster churn, jaime backed out of that trade fair adn squre  
WarriorMaiden: Sure.  
URallAssholes: he likes u  
WarriorMaiden: He does not.  
URallAssholes: fine. u intrigue him  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a display at the zoo.  
URallAssholes: as someone who spent his life being stared @, date jaime, u might like him  
WarriorMaiden: Doubt it.  
URallAssholes: he will buy u a really expensive meal, then u can dump him  
WarriorMaiden: You would tell me to use your brother?  
URallAssholes: then i could laugh @ him  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll consider it.  
URallAssholes: we R going 2 be good friends

\--

Kingslayer: she will go out w u  
iluvgilly: ru sure?  
Kingslayer: YES, so fing 4th grade  
iluvgilly: will u double date w us?  
Kingslayer: im in kl, ur at the wall  
iluvgilly: i dont know what 2 say on a date  
Kingslayer: ask her questions, women like that  
iluvgilly: is that what u do w brienne?  
Kingslayer: FUCK. take snow and his ginger chick on double date  
iluvgilly: okay, ill talk to brienne

\--

iluvgilly: hey brie how ru?  
WarriorMaiden: Good. Yes, you should ask Gilly out.  
iluvgilly: i did. she said yes!!!!!! we r gonig out 2 dinner w jon and ygritte  
WarriorMaiden: I’m glad.  
iluvgilly: do u know jaime lannister?  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
iluvgilly: hes really nice  
WarriorMaiden: Sam?  
iluvgilly: u should date him

[iluvgilly left the conversation.]

\--

WarriorMaiden: Are you paying people to talk me into going out with you?  
Kingslayer: NO.  
Kingslayer: kinda  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: u like me  
WarriorMaiden: And you can tell that by how I’m falling at your feet?

[HyleontheHunt joined the conversation.]

HyleontheHunt: Hey Brie, want to grab some lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: Sure, meet me at the elevator in 3 minutes.  
HyleontheHunt: Will do.

[HyleontheHunt left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: WTF?

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

\--

Kingslayer: who the fuck is hyleonthehunt?  
URallAssholes: no clue  
Kingslayer: find OUT!  
URallAssholes: did u ask her 2 dinner?  
Kingslayer: no lunch  
URallAssholes: ask her 2 dinner, take her somehwere nice  
Kingslayer: k

\--


	9. The Message Board.  Tuesday, Part 7.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fantasy Football Leagues have a message board that is used for smack talk, trade offers, voting and just general chatter.

**The League Message Board**

SexViper votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
LimpingLord votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
WardenWolf votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
YoungWolf votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
TheLastDragon: R we voting wo discussion?  
SexViper: My brother and I want a woman in the league.  
KellyCsBear: TheLastDragon has some issues and concerns  
Kingslayer: FUCK TheLastDragon  
WardenWolf: Brienne is a nice girl.  
FlayMaster: Ned, you are pussywhipped.  
WardenWolf: Ur one to talk, roose, still wearing that pink sweater walda got u?  
FlayMaster: Walda has nice taste and I look good in pink.  
YoungWolf: Hahahha. I like Brienne.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: What does ur wife say abt that?  
YoungWolf: FU Ramsay  
LegitimizeThisBitches: Stupid cunt  
Kingslayer: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM BRIENNE, wolfballs  
CommissionerByRight: The board is not yet open for smack talk. If you wish to have a reasonable discussion about the legitimacy of a Tarth team or submit a new candidate, please do so. You should also submit your votes here or to me in email. I will be heavily moderating this board from now until we ready for the draft.

\--

UKnowUWantMe: ur bro is a lobster  
UKnowUWantMe: and a douche  
BeardedStag: i know, what ru wearing?  
UKnowUWantMe: can u skype?  
BeardedStag: In the office.  
UKnowUWantMe: have an adventure…, i got new skin cream, im rubbing it in now…  
BeardedStag: making it soft for me?  
UKnowUWantMe: makin it hard

\--

FingerfewerHand: How was your doctor’s appointment?  
CommissionerByRight: Fine.  
FingerfewerHand: I need details.  
CommissionerByRight: I said it was fine.  
FingerfewerHand: What was your blood pressure?  
CommissionerByRight: In normative range.  
FingerfewerHand: Good. I love you.  
CommissionerByRight: I love you too.  
FingerfewerHand: Pick up Lyseni on the way home?  
CommissionerByRight: We have Shireen tonight.  
FingerfewerHand: I’ll cook if you stop by the market.  
CommissionerByRight: Vegetable stir fry?  
FingerfewerHand: For you.


	10. Hyle Fucking Hunt.  Wednesday, Part 1.

URallAssholes: i got dirt on bt  
Kingslayer: who  
URallAssholes: Brienne Tarth, IDIOT  
Kingslayer: gimme  
URallAssholes: friends with starks and marg tyrell, is a fantasy football badass and HATES it when people dont spell out shit in chat  
Kingslayer: WTF?  
URallAssholes: u want 2 date her, type it out  
Kingslayer: how do u know these things  
URallAssholes: im a savant! how do u think i always know people’s ids?  
Kingslayer: ur giant encyclopedic brain?  
URallAssholes: u spelled encyclopedic correctly! u need to practice typing things out  
Kingslayer: gods, who the fuck is hyle fucking hunt?  
URallAssholes: her co-worker at BE, lunch 2gether 2x week  
Kingslayer: BE?  
URallAssholes: Baratheon Enterprises, idiot  
Kingslayer: FU  
URallAssholes: u like her?  
Kingslayer: maybe, need to get her to out with me first  
URallAssholes: want me 2 pass her a note after study hall?  
Kingslayer: DICK  
URallAssholes: u know what they say, big man big dick  
Kingslayer: small man all dick

\--

TO: Ron Connington (RocketRon@baratheonenterprises.org), Edmund Ambrose (EddieBros@baratheonenterprises.org), Ben Bushy (BushWhacker@baratheonenterprises.org)  
FROM: Hyle Hunt ((HyleontheHunt@baratheonenterprises.org)  
RE: Premier FF league  
DATE: July 2, 2014

Dudes  
Lunched with her yesterday. She has not been accepted into the league. They are still voting. Once she is, she can add a co-owner who will become a legacy owner. She is our best shot at getting into this league. We have to convince her to add one of us as co-owner, but not secondary owner. Some bullshit rule. Don’t yet know the status of votes.

We WILL get into that league, even if one of us has to fuck her.

Hyle

\--

FROM: Ron Connington (RocketRon@baratheonenterprises.org)  
TO: Hyle Hunt ((HyleontheHunt@baratheonenterprises.org), Edmund Ambrose (EddieBros@baratheonenterprises.org), Ben Bushy (BushWhacker@baratheonenterprises.org)  
RE: RE: Premier FF league  
DATE: July 2, 2014

U can fuc her.

Not me.

Ron


	11. What Should I Talk to Gilly About?  Wednesday, Part 2.

iluvgilly: where should we go?  
IKnowALittleSomething: 4 what?  
iluvgilly: double date  
IKnowALittleSomething: what does she like  
iluvgilly: what do girls like  
IKnowALittleSomething: dinner and movie?  
iluvgilly: nothing scary  
iluvgilly: make ygritte b nice 2 me  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine  
iluvgilly: what should i talk to her about?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i have no idea 

\--

KissedByFire: Why do we have to go on a double date with them?  
IKnowALittleSomething: sam is nervous  
KissedByFire: Gilly likes him.  
IKnowALittleSomething: tell him that  
KissedByFire: Men are idiots.  
IKnowALittleSomething: im not.  
KissedByFire: Really?  
IKnowALittleSomething: not completely, u know jaime lannister?  
KissedByFire: Not personally, though I hear he’s a pretty one.  
IKnowALittleSomething: sam says that jaime asked him to talk to brienne about dating him  
KissedByFire: Jaime wants Brienne to date Sam?  
IKnowALittleSomething: no, jaime wants sam 2 talk 2 brienne abt brienne dating jaime  
KissedByFire: Huh?  
IKnowALittleSomething: no clue, sam says jaime likes brie  
KissedByFire: Later. And pick a good movie. You will OWE me for this double date.

\--

iluvgilly: hey jaime  
Kingslayer: sam  
iluvgilly: did brienne go out w u?  
Kingslayer: not yet  
iluvgilly: brienne is great, scary but great  
Kingslayer: no one turns down jaime lannister, tell me everything u know about her  
iluvgilly: she likes sports, she does lots of sports, shes good  
Kingslayer: is she dating ne1?  
iluvgilly: havnt seen her since she was last at winterfell  
iluvgilly: she brght a date to robb’s wedding  
Kingslayer: did i go to robb's wedding?  
iluvgilly: u sent ur regards  
Kingslayer: who was her date?  
iluvgilly: dunno, some guy she works with, he flirted w the bridesmaids so its not serious  
Kingslayer: sounds like an asshole, is he her bf?  
iluvgilly: she doesn't have a bf that I know  
Kingslayer: then why did she turn me down?  
iluvgilly: i dunno girls turn me down all the time  
Kingslayer: im rich, im good looking, i am the best fantasy football owner in westeros  
Kingslayers: she should be dying to date me  
iluvgilly: jaime  
Kingslayer: sam?  
iluvgilly: what should i say to gilly on our date?

\--

KissedByFire: We may have additional votes.  
RedHeadedMother: Who?  
KissedByFire: Hold on to your panties. JAIME LANNISTER  
RedHeadedMother: What???  
KissedByFire: Jon told me that Sam told him that Jaime asked Sam to talk to Brienne about going out with Jaime.  
RedHeadedMother: Jaime wants to date Brienne?  
KissedByFire: That’s what Sam told Jon.  
RedHeadedMother: Is Sam...reliable?  
KissedByFire: Not sure. But if Jaime dates Brienne, she can distract him from setting his lineups and win the League. You know they all say he’s some expert at that.  
RedHeadedMother: You know Brienne is too honorable. She can’t even know we are sneaking to get her in. Once those jerks take a beatdown from a woman, they will disband the League. We will get our Sundays back.  
KissedByFire: So should we tell Brienne to date Jaime?  
RedHeadedMother: I hate doing this behind her back and men like him…but this League has got to be destrroyed.  
KissedByFire: I’ll feel her out.

\--

KissedByFire: Hey Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Ygritte. How’s it going?  
KissedByFire: Good. Jon is making me go on a double date with Sam and Gilly.  
WarriorMaiden: So relieved he finally asked her out.  
KissedByFire: How about you? Any good date offers lately?  
WarriorMaiden: Funny you ask Hyle and Ron asked me out.  
KissedByFire: I don’t know them. You like one?  
WarriorMaiden: Hyle is okay. We talk football. Ron sucks.  
KissedByFire: Okay? Doesn’t sound like a good date.  
WarriorMaiden: Not really. But someone told me I should go out with guys, get a great dinner and dump them.  
KissedByFire: That’s good advice. Who told you that?  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion Lannister.  
KissedByFire: Tyrion? The dwarf?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. He’s pretty funny.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation]

KissedByFire: You going to date him?  
WarriorMaiden: Me? Dating a Lannister?  
iluvgilly: so glad ur dating him, brienne, he really likes u  
iluvgilly: so what should i talk about on my date w gilly?  
KissedByFire: Gotta go.

[KissedByFire has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Sam, Gilly likes you. A lot. Just talk to her about normal things. Books, movies, school, tv. your thoughts on breakfast food. Whatever. Just don’t sit there like a quiet lump.  
iluvgilly: thx brienne, ur the best

\--

KissedByFire: I thought you said Jaime Lannister wanted to date Brienne?  
IKnowALittleSomething: thats whut sam said  
KissedByFire: it’s tyrion, not jaime  
IKnowALittleSomething: uhm. how would that work, u know...in bed  
KissedByFire: Is that the first thing you think of?  
IKnowALittleSomething: ..yes  
KissedByFire: Brienne is my friend. Find out if Tyrion wants to date her.

\--

IKnowALittleSomething: hey jaime, u fucktard, is tyrion around?  
Kingslayer: fuck off, fart cheese, he’s offline rest of day  
IKnowALittleSomething: whats going on w him and brienne?  
Kingslayer: WTF?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i hear he wants to date her  
Kingslayer: WTF????  
IKnowALittleSomething: u met her? taller than u how would it work? i mena, they could do some thigns, but u know, the regular would b difficult  
Kingslayer: TYRION IS NOT GOING TO DATE BRIENNE  
IKnowALittleSomething: just saying, i hear he asked her out  
Kingslayer: FU

\--

SexViper: Brienne, I am Oberyn Martell and I want to welcome you to my fantasy football league.  
WarriorMaiden: Hello. Thanks. I’m not in yet.  
SexViper: You have the support of myself and my brother.  
WarriorMaiden: I appreciate that. Not to be nosy or ungrateful, but why are you supporting me when we have never met?  
SexViper: This has been a league of stuffy old men. We need new, beautiful, feminine blood.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not exactly beautiful, or feminine.  
SexViper: All women are beautiful.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m really tall too.  
SexViper: Like a goddess tall? I have never had a very tall goddess.  
WarriorMaiden: Not like a goddess and I’m not available to be had.  
SexViper: There is still time.  
WarriorMaiden: Is there some sort of bet going around? To see if I’ll sleep with someone to get in?

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: I make no such bets on a woman’s body.  
iluvgilly: hey oberyn  
SexViper: Sam, have you asked out your lovely lady?  
iluvgilly: ur really good with women yes, what shld i say to her on our date  
SexViper: It is most important to let a woman know you desire her. Kiss her hand, stroke her fingers, let the passion build. Brienne, you enjoy when a man expresses his desire for you?  
WarriorMaiden: I have to go.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]


	12. Things Get Weird.  Stannis Shuts It Down. Wednesday, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vulturing in fantasy football is when a player, specifically a runningback/fullback, comes in the game inside the 5 yardline in goalline situations and steals undeserved touchdowns, denying the other running back the fantasy football points they would otherwise earn from scoring the touchdown. In most cases smaller better running backs do all the work getting the ball down the field and these vultures (larger/worse backs) come in and fall down for 1 or 2 yards scoring the touchdown, killing the fantasy value of the much better skillful backs.

WarriorMaiden: Davos, I don’t want to start something, but things are weird.  
FingerfewerHand: Wrd how?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime Lannister and Oberyn Martell have asked me out and/or to sleep with them.  
FingerfewerHand: DO NOT TELL STANNIS FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY  
WarriorMaiden: I haven’t. I wanted to run it by you first.  
FingerfewerHand: under NO circumstances can u tell him, he will break a tooth  
WarriorMaiden: Okay okay.  
FingerfewerHand: martell and lannister?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. It’s weird.  
FingerfewerHand: they hate each other  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
FingerfewerHand: bc of something tywin and the cleganes did, colluding to beat ob’s bro in law, something, who cares. he hates all lannisters, jaime thinks he's a sleaze  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. If I don’t talk to Stannis, what do I do?  
FingerfewerHand: Let me take care of it.

\--

FingerfewerHand: How are you feeling?  
CommissionerByRight: It’s been a good day. You saw the antics on the message board?  
FingerfewerHand: It’s all in good fun, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: The season has not even started. There is no need for personal insults.  
FingerfewerHand: You handled it well.  
CommissionerByRight: Thank you. I’m glad someone appreciates my work. Renly sent me a message calling me uptight. I am not uptight. I just like order.  
FingerfewerHand: I know. So does our linen closet.  
CommissionerByRight: Towels cannot be put on the same shelf as bedding, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: I know. I know. Anyway, I had an idea to keep the smack talk down and the voting under control.  
CommissionerByRight: I will consider all suggestions.  
FingerfewerHand: How about we forbid the owners from contacting Brienne until the vote is complete? That way you don’t have to deal with any assertions of irregularity in the voting process.  
CommissionerByRight: That’s brilliant, Davos. You know how I hate irregularity.  
FingerfewerHand: Speaking of that, how’s Roose Bolton doing?

\--

TO: Brienne Tarth (WarriorMaiden@baratheonenterprises.org)  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
RE: Voting on Your Ownership Application  
DATE: July 2, 2014

Dear Brienne

It has been suggested, and I agree, that you should have no contact with any of the League owners until after voting closes on July 6, 2014. This is for your protection as well as to protect the integrity of the League. I will be notifying the League members that they should not contact you. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Very Truly Yours,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

  
\--

 

TO: Stannis Baratheon  
FROM: Brienne Tarth  
RE: RE: Voting on Your Ownership Application  
DATE: July 2, 2014

Stannis

I think that is appropriate.  
Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,  
Brienne Tarth

\--

TO: Fantasy Football Owners  
FROM: Stannis Baratheon  
RE: Communication with Brienne Tarth  
DATE: July 2, 2014

Dear Owners,

It has come to my attention that measures need to be taken to avoid any irregularity in the voting process. As such, no current team owner shall have any contact with candidate Tarth, either direct or indirect, until voting closes. Failure to abide by this directive will result in the loss of a second round draft pick.

Sincerely,  
Stannis Baratheon  
Team Baratheon  
Fantasy Football League Commissioner

\--

URallAssholes: i go away 4 ONE aftrnon 2 come back and find out we cannot talk 2 brienne? wht did u do?  
Kingslayer: What did I do? ME? Ur the one trying 2 vulture my date  
URallAssholes: WFT?  
Kingslayer: snow told me  
URallAssholes: we all know he knows nothing  
Kingslayer: whatever  
URallAssholes: seriously bro, not vulturing ur date  
Kingslayer: ur fault i can’t talk to her  
URallAssholes: It’s what? 6 days?  
Kingslayer: a week  
URallAssholes: and uve talked 2 her how many times?  
Kingslayer: saw her this evenng, leaving her office, making sure i rmbr her  
URallAssholes: BE isn’t on ur way home  
Kingslayer: SO?  
URallAssholes: what is the deal, jaime?  
Kingslayer: she turned me down  
URallAssholes: and?  
Kingslayer: she has pretty eyes  
URallAssholes: and this has nothing 2 do with ur fear she may beat us?  
Kingslayer: she is a woman!  
URallAssholes: a woman who is not falling @ ur feet  
Kingslayer: shut up

\--

**The League Message Board**

CommissionerByRight: I have ruled that no owner shall have contact with Brienne Tarth until after the voting on her proposed ownership closes. I sent out an email informing each of your of this new rule. Please verify that you have received and understood my email.  
KellyCsBear: Rec’d and understood.  
TheLastDragon: WHY would I want to talk to her anyway?  
SexViper: She is quite a woman. I would like her to visit Dorne. LL and I have received and understood.  
Kingslayer: shes not 1 of ur whores, martell  
SexViper: No, she is a strong woman, a woman of great passion.  
Kingslayer: how do u know?  
SexViper: I know women. You do not, Lannister.  
CommissionerByRight: Jaime, Oberyn, please stop this conversation. Simply acknowledge that you have read and understood my email.  
YoungWolf: Got it.  
WardenWolf: Fine by me  
FlayMaster: As you command.  
FertileNonagenarian: Got ur email. Is she married? Lookin?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: got it, whatever  
iluvgilly: not even 4 dating advice?  
CommissionerByRight: No contact.  
iluvgilly: fine  
iluvgilly votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
BeardedStag: Stannis, she works for BE: What if I see her at work?  
CommissionerByRight: You work, technically, for the people of King’s Landing. You barely attend board meetings at BE. It should not be a problem.  
BeardedStag: whatever Stanny, fine  
FingerfewerHand: Received and understood. Thank you, Stannis.  
UKnowUWantMe: Thank you Stannis /mocking voice. y would I want 2 talk 2 somene that manly?  
SharkKing: Fine  
Shark King votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
SharkReek: Got it.  
Shark Reek votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
IKnowALittleSomething: fine  
IKnowALittleSomething votes YES on Brienne Tarth  
Uunknown: A man and his co-owners receive a message. A man and his co-owners understand.  
URallAssholes: Gotcha  
Kingslayer: what if she msgs me  
CommissionerByRight: She has already assured me she will not.  
Kingslayer: FINE. FUCK YOU ALL. BACKWARDS. WITH PINEAPPLES.  
SexViper: Interesting…  
CommissionerByRight: The current vote is eight Yays and no Nays. One other candidate has been proposed but has declined consideration. This message board is now locked and will only accept votes until I release the lock. Please register your votes.


End file.
